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Maria. The name was once a happy one, filled with memories of a happy childhood and the sound of music. But no more. Does anyone know the anything more annoying than a white south African? As soon as i hear their accents every word is instantly turned into "racist evil evil evil evil evil racist....." But through a mutation of a south African with some kind of brainwashed idiotic slug i have found the only thing more annoying than a white south African. A racist. Enormously FAT. Sluggy. Short. Fish-lipped. Know-it-all. Wrong. SOUTH AFRICAN. Honestly, its like she is deliberately designed to send me to self destruct mode! Today i was so so so close to slapping her fat slug face and calling her an incredibly long list of horrible things and very bad words. SITUATION: People Involved- Haven(friend) Me Ms Kalashi(scariest teacher you will thank god never meet) MARIA English today.... we have to write a formal writing essay about how celebrities are a good/bad influence. Haven- Hey holly can i do my essay on people like ghandi? Me- yeah sure anyone whose famous is a celebrity MARIA- No they aren't, celebrities are sports people and film stars and stuff Me- uh no they arent... MARIA- YES they are! (i can see this is leading no where so i get a dictionary and look up celebrity to show her how ignorant she is of common knowledge) Me- Yep see here the direct dictionary meaning is "famous person" MARIA-nope (only as a last resort before i shove i pencil through her brain) Me- Ms Kalashi? A Mahatma Ghandi is a celebrity aye. Ms Kalashi- Oh yeah of course he is...... (goes on to cement all my rightness) LATER ON!!!!! Haven- ok So my positive celebrities are Ghandi, Sir David Attenborough and Martin Luther-King MARIA- Oh he's not very good role model, he was a terrorist. Haven,me and several others- WHAT? MARIA- Oh didn't you know? He was a terrorist, he blew up some buildings and killed heaps of people. Me- Martin Luther-King was not a terrorist, he was a peaceful protester he.... MARIA- No he was a terroris... BELL RINGS and i leave, which is extremely lucky for maria before i smashed her stupid fat head into a bloody pulpy mess on the floor with a fire extinguisher (she'd probably look better that way anyway) there are so man more of these kind of things that happen like this because of MARIA that you wouldn't believe. If this doesn't make you want to shove hot coals into your eye sockets then maybe one or two of these facts might. -She has 'High school musical 2' coverings all over her books -She has all the disney songs on her ipod -Miley Cyrus/hannah montanna is her favourite music 'artist' - when i asked her what her essay was about, she replied "how brad and Angelina are good role models" - she is actually managed to be in the same class as me (smart class) she has the shortest skirt in the world, it makes you want to be physically sick What i am asking is for you to come up with a foolproof way of slaughtering Maria without getting caught that will leave me satisfied at the end. Its not that she is too strong for me or anything like that, i could so totally own her, all i would have to do is break her glasses and she would be rendered helpless, then i could push er over and watch her stuck on the ground her stumpy fat legs wriggling widely in the air as she stuggles to get right way up. I just want her existence on this planet terminated.

couldnt think of a better resource than this board........

umm, interesting. I would maybe start by going an essay on your almost namesake Neilson Mandela highlighting the fact that he was in influenced by the great Mohandus Gandi, who both were able to through non violent means able to cower the great british empire. A quick look at the boar history might also raise some interesting questions on her own linnage - is she decended from religious fucks? ( fair chance) why did her family leave south africa? because their racist ideas did not fit the modern country that SA has become. Why did her family move to NZ? why not move to the deep south of the good old US of A where they MIGHT fit in. It might also be worth having a look for this song As it happens i did meet one nice South African once but he had been bitten by a black mamba as a child and his mother said he was never the same after that, she also blamed the fact he was gay on the mambe bite.

I would dig a deep pit and cover it with twigs and leaves then maybe lay a trail of cream cakes or hamburgers or whatever your fat racist likes to eat so that she steps on it and falls in. You could put poisonous snakes or sharpened sticks in the bottom but then she'll die quite quickly and painlessly which is perhaps a bit too good for her so you might have to come up with a slow and painfull method. Alternatively you and your friends could make and present her with her very own KKK outfit just to make a point.

AND, the advantage of a KKK outfit is that it kills two birds with one stone. 1. It makes a point 2. It covers her fat ugly face

hex you do have a serious problem there , bad luck. getting away with it is indeed the crux of the solution. a hot desert wilderness picnic jumps to mind but make sure you hide your personal water supply and when she starts to get delirious from thirst suggest splitting up to find water. 90% chance of success i'd say. if 10% is too risky then perhaps she should be IGNORED blatantly (but not obviously maliciously). you need MARIA antimatter dust so that whenever she speaks or does anything it disappears into her personal universe of ZERO. leftover dust will be handy for the several other hundred million MARIA variants on the planet. good luck hex !

it will take a little work but ideally you would become incredibly well informed on anti-apartheid South Africa so that almost anything she says will trigger an exquisitely apropos rejoinder from you along the lines of "oh you mean like Walter Sisulu?" or "yeah just like the Sharpeville Massacre - good times eh Maria?" in this way you can rain down blows from the very top of the highest peak of the moral superiority range without ever having to mention the fact that she looks like a slug. Through your calm demeanor and relentless effortless putdowns, she will be forced to look to the source of this constant ridicule and eventually realise that she and her people were so very very wrong. I suspect that her current behaviour is her prodding at her own wound and looking for external reassurance that her roots are not that bad but unfortunately for her they are and the sooner she accepts that, the sooner she can move onto becoming a good person. If this works then the current manifestation of Maria will effectively die and a new nicer Maria will climb resplendent from the rotting cocoon of her current self - entirely your creation (mu ah ha ha ha....). Obviously you will never be able to tell anyone but us that you managed to completely change and sculpt another person's personality in this way but we will all know and she will know deep inside herself and fundamentally you will have ridden the world of your obnoxious classmate.

That's all well (meaning) and good nix but it doesn't solve the problem of her being an ugly fat fuck. That's not gonna change even if her opinions do. I think killing her is far more appropriate given the circumstances - especially when you consider that by letting her live there is the chance that she'll reproduce one day. So by killing her, not only will you be doing yourself and all your school friends a favour, you will also be helping to protect future generations. If you don't fancy killing her how about introducing a month long experiment at school - apartheid for the obese. Seperate but "equal"

Thankyou very much for your unique input and ideas, i shall try each and everyone of them and see which works best. I shall get back to you on the chosen solution and outcome of said solution. I really do not know what i would do without you guys